Congratulations on your baby. Here's our logo.

There's a specific kind of confidence required to look at a newborn - a brand new human who has been on this earth for approximately eleven days - and think: this one needs branding.

Not a soft blanket. Not something useful for the 3am shift. Not even a voucher. A bodysuit. With the company name on it. In the company font.

The baby has not consented to this. The baby cannot consent to this. The baby is busy figuring out how to exist. And yet there it is, folded in tissue paper, handed over at the office baby shower with a bow on it: a tiny walking billboard, sized 0–3 months.

What the branded baby body is actually saying

We genuinely believe you will put this on your baby and take it somewhere. The crèche, maybe. Or the reserve clothes bag - that small bag of shame every nursery keeps for the days things go wrong, which is every day. Your child will spend their worst moments in your company's livery.

What we'd suggest

A new parent doesn't need your logo. They need sleep, which you cannot give them. So give them the next best thing: something genuinely useful, or genuinely beautiful, or both.

• The Soft Landing Set. A swaddle for the first wraps and a knitted cat comforter for everything after.
• The Sweet Hello Kit. A hearts swaddle in pink and a knitted elephant who'll be dragged everywhere for the next three years.
• The Memory Maker. A knitted dog comforter for the baby and a milestone book for the parent. One remembers nothing. One records everything.
• The First Coin. A wooden elephant bank, a swaddle, and a knitted zebra comforter. A full welcome for a brand new person — including the future.

Or let them choose with a supermerci gift card - so they pick exactly what the baby needs, when they're ready.